Sometimes I still fantasize that my everyday lie isn’t really my life and I’m actually playing the disoriented-yet-lovable female lead in a cheesy romcom with Hugh Grant and Jennifer Aniston playing my best friends and some fat, rich guy directing and I’m going to make millions!!! Or, from time to time, I might tell myself that I will receive my acceptance letter from Hogwarts any day now, so I should keep practicing my magic spells! And then I wake up and remember that I live in the suburbs and my neighbors are coke-dealing hooligans who drive hummers and blast their bad rap music into all hours of the night (Kanye? TuPac? Am I even spelling TuPac correctly?) and get into their house through the back door after climbing through the hole in the fence. Meanwhile, my bedside table is actually a kitchen stool and my therapist basically just laughs at me at this point (not because I’m funny, mind you) and in the last 2 weeks I’ve been to Target approximately 12 times.
So, yes, you might read all that and say, “Ugh, total basic white girl. #firstworldprobs”, because apparently that’s how the kids talk these days, and to that I would respond, “Hey! You! You’re smelly and have ugly shoes!” because that’s the best I can come up with and I don’t handle criticism well (thanks Mom and Dad).
Where was I going with this? I have no idea, but probably here: If you have a real-life job and you vacuum your room every week instead of waiting as long as it takes for the dust bunnies in the corner to grow to the size of actual bunnies, leave immediately and go have brunch with your well-adjusted friends. If you, however, are 18 or older and the most productive thing you did yesterday was finish an entire season of New Girl while simultaneously scrolling through Instagram until you were pretty sure you definitely had carpal tunnel, welcome, and I’m sorry.
A picture of half my face and my saintly mother (laughing at my dysfunction): the only woman who still loves me after I call her from upstairs to ask her to bring me a soda.
Pure Unadulterated Banter 